VICTIM IS MY MIDDLE NAME

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“People around me keep making me feel bad.” “I’ m not taken seriously and I’m always being taken advantage of.”  “ I am more than often hurt and yet I keep my mouth shut – either way, nobody has ever understood me so even if  talk back I know what the case will be;  whenever  I do so people misunderstand me.” How many times have you found yourself   having such thoughts?  If these are typical of you, then it is likely that the role of the victim is the one you play in your life. 
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\r\nThe roles of the victim and the victimizer overlap making it possible that one might play both roles simultaneously. Picture the following scene: a man gets back home from work. He takes off his shoes and lies on the sofa. In a while, his wife arrives home from work, too. She sets the table, serves dinner and when her hubby takes a seat at the dinner table, she starts nagging “I’m the one to take care of everything .You act as if you are the king and I am your servant.  What makes you think that I wouldn’t like lying idle too?  Nothing is ever done unless I take care of it.”  Hardly having managed to swallow the first morsel of food the man is dumbfounded, trying to make sense of his wife’s outburst. He might as well think that she’s just having a bad day. The worst scenario has it that a terrible fight starts. The woman takes the victim’s role being the victimizer, at the same time, by taking it out on her husband.
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\r\nVictims usually expect the others to guess their wishes and needs.  Victims have innumerable needs; however talking about them does not seem worthwhile.  It is the people around them who should detect and cater for these needs. Imagine how different things would be in the scene above provided that the woman had asked for help in the first place,     gradually establishing a relationship in which chores are shared.  By making the man feeling guilty the woman takes the role of the victimizer. Making the others feel like this makes such a role very powerful and manipulative.
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\r\nHow do we learn to employ such behaviour? 
This is a pattern that starts establishing based on the way we relate at an early age with the significant others, that is to say our parents. Problems arise when children feel, within their family of origin, they are not heard or taken seriously. When parents label any kind of disagreement as disobedience or dismiss it as stupidity, children get accustomed to keeping themselves to themselves and resort to constant self censorship. If you think it’s you we’re writing about, you probably belong to the vast majority of people who as Woody Allen has said live their adult life trying to work out problems rooted in their childhood.
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\r\nThe need to express our emotions and relate are present both during childhood and adulthood.  Nevertheless, brought up in a family as described above, you reach the adult life being conditioned to the notion that invisibility will save you from trouble.  Victims obey others and they experience severe loneliness thinking that nobody understands them. The feeling of loneliness is usually coupled with intense anger which is very carefully concealed and suppressed.  The way they see it, potential victimizers are ubiquitous and therefore their unmet needs remain unmet.  During childhood it is indisputable that we are pure victims of our parents when they are not healthy, educated or sensitive enough to present us with healthy role models of relating.
\r\nNevertheless, adulthood is our second chance. Especially when we manage to detect a repeated  pattern  in our behaviour or we find ourselves in situations always playing the role of the victim it is high time we reconsidered our  ways of relating to others.  How about taking responsibility and start taking action? This means being able to ask for what I need and being able to put my feelings into words.  “ I’ d like you to... ¨ ,”It’d make me happy if you .....”, “ I feel really  unhappy when you ....” , “ It makes me angry when you....” . The above may seem simplistic or even childish; yet, people who perceive themselves as victims can use them to start expressing themselves. Far be it from me to suggest that this is the secret recipe to making others take you seriously or respect you overnight.
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\r\nThis takes time and effort by all parties involved. The gist of what is suggested is that you shift from seeing yourself as a victim to the adult attitude. Adults express their needs clearly. Victims trap people into expectations which are never expressed and therefore are never met.  Victimhood goes hand in hand with loneliness, exhaustion or occasional outbursts of indignation which drive people close to them crazy.
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\r\nNeedless to say, there are several potential abusers out there waiting for someone to play with. The vicious circle of abusers, who, in turn, are abused by others who feel more powerful, is not easily breakable. Fortunately, no higher power dictates that one single role be played by us in our life. If you feel that you act as if you are people’s doormat think you can choose to change.  Choosing, evolving and finding ourselves in relationships we feel no need to suppress our feelings are all inalienable human rights.
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\r\nPower and manipulation, however latent they are, coexist within victims. Victims always have the best of intentions and they are willing to sacrifice themselves.  Do we have to sacrifice ourselves to relate to others? Why should offering and understanding be identified with abandoning one’s self?  Do we people understand and put in practice that it is a prerequisite to respect ourselves before claiming to respect others. \r\n

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\r\n "The very hungry caterpillar"
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